How I Dare to Go Alone

I try to think of myself as a simple man. One filled with Love who communes with nature. But invariably I find myself standing at a place where two points meet and the world then demands my attention.  I was a born a ram, an Aries. I was born to firmly stand my ground as the ever looming precipice quietly awaits beneath me. I am not scared that I will fall. What I fear, my only fear, is my desire to jump.  As I move through this life both physically and temporaly, I am aware of the ground constantly shifting beneath my feet.  As pebbles, rocks and stones give way beneath me, I can’t help wonder which stone may strike a boulder and end it’s trajectory or which precariously entrenched pebble may dislodge an avalanche to the horror of them passing unawares beneath me.

And careful as I am to plant my feet on solid ground with every step I take, I’m always prone to make mistakes.  And I’ve caused whole mountain sides to collapse behind me as I wander along my trail.

I am connected to the Earth, the Foundation of my being, but I hold my head up facing ever towards the Firmament. I can feel telluric currents gently nudging the unfolding of events. But every time my actions cause the cliffs I tread upon to collapse, I can’t help wondering where the true fault lies; was it me or circumstance.

I am a hermit but not oblivious of my responsibilities to life. I am no friend of nostalgia, the pain of returning home.  But I am and ever will be a sentimentalist.

I try so hard to stay away from situations that could cause harm but they seem to seek me out.  

My ex-lover, the love of my life, she sought me out. Poor her.  We spent a year or two getting acquainted and had a baby. We started fighting.  All the time. But our arguments always ended with brutal & persistent silence.

You see.  I’m always lonely. I have my novels. I have these pretty words. But I have no story.

So i await the storm. Let it wash away the past. So that I might move on along the slopes and hope it wasn’t my tread which crumpled the cliff in my wake. 

Each step I take I focus on the landing. For despite the possible repurcussions of my acts I must move through this manifest world. To lay down in fear of hurting others is to assume the role of a god. I act when I must act. I go because I must ascend the heights. To reach the summit is not my goal for what lies at the summit besides further vertigo?  I must reach the summit because I must go. And if rockfall thunder down the mountain taking trees and homes in it’s wake it has been the will of Brahman, YHWH, Tao, Allah, Krishna who have borne me on this path.

Not to go, to do nothing, would be to defy God’s will and shame will be my burden.  I must tread my trail alone. I want a companion to share this mission with but all quests of the heart must be undertaken alone.

I have been told that on this path no effort is wasted; no gain is ever reversed; and that even a little of this practice will shelter me from great sorrow.  Therefore I must go. I seek the Godhead, Theotokos. Not for my own sake but for the sake of my son and family, I go on dutifully. Trembling with every step I take I defy the Earth to give way beneath me or the sky to come crashing on my head.

It might seem like pride, to continue upward despite the possible -inevitable- consequences of my actions. But to lay down and die? I fear whatever might or -worse- might not await me at the end. To continue is not pride but courage.

I love my son and I love his mother. But she and I will never forgive each other.  And it wrenches my heart both day and night to imagine he might come in time to only think of me as a boulder rolling down into his world or that I may have been the one who dislodged it. 

But where will flights of fancy get me? I breathe deep thin air and wonder at the valley below me. So many folks going on about they’re lives, they take no notice of me. Am I conceited? No. I just don’t want my one true love, my only son, to become just another one of them. That… That is what terrifies me most of all.  That I will be villified by his kith and kin for my being kept from him so long.

I keep him with me in my heart and there I have gouged out for him a home. And that is where my emptiness comes from.  A ram longs for his kid and it is getting harder to breathe up here alone.


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